||[Dec. 16th, 2009|01:51 am]
|||||King of the Rodeo - Kings of Leon||]|
I just got off the phone with her. I dpn't know why she's doing this. But we are dead. I don't want to say more than that. This will not be a paragraph about how much I want her back, or about how much this hurts. I'll just leave it at: it's done. I hate it.
I think I figured out that feeling that has been haunting me though. That feeling that has me wanting to sleep all day, not do anything, not think. It's this. It's me not wanting to come to terms that this is happening. Everyday I think maybe this christmas will help, and it won't. For all I know there's already someone catching her eye, and she will never tell me. Whatever. This christmas will be for one thing, and one thing only: other people. I am going to devote myself just being a good person, being a good friend, a good brother, a good son. And then the other part will be about discovery. Now I am free. She doesn't want me. Now I can wander around the places where I used to feel such immense inspiration and belonging. I think I need that. Just to be reminded how I don't need to make any of these worries part of my life.
There is always the gray spot. The gray spot that says: Hello. And it all falls apart.
But Fuck it. That's what I have to do. To say. To exemplify. Fuck it.