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punkorama024

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(no subject) [Feb. 17th, 2010|12:17 am]
punkorama024
I love you. Please stop being like this. Talk to me. Please. I want to know what is on your mind, what you are thinking, why you are thinking it. Please answer. Please listen. Please just be a part of my life so we can be together one day. Please.
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(no subject) [Jan. 10th, 2010|12:27 am]
punkorama024
This is the first electronic entry I've made in very long. Most of them have been on paper, especially during the winter break. It's been an interesting few weeks, and I think now they've begun to culminate once again. I can't stress anymore how this is all starting to take a toll on me. The desire to act, the desire to affiliate myself with something bigger. The military no longer seems to hold that position. At times it does, but otherwise this institution continues to alienate me. Then she doesn't help, but I don't know what to do anymore. She takes up too much of my energy, at times when I need it to stay afloat elswhere. It's too much. It's more than I can take. I tried. I did. I wasn't expecting all to be forgiven. But I was expecting for there to be a little bit more leniency. But I understand there can't be. I don't know what to do with anything. Everything is a blur when she gets loud.
everything is a blur right now.
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(no subject) [Dec. 16th, 2009|01:51 am]
punkorama024
[music |King of the Rodeo - Kings of Leon]

I just got off the phone with her. I dpn't know why she's doing this. But we are dead. I don't want to say more than that. This will not be a paragraph about how much I want her back, or about how much this hurts. I'll just leave it at: it's done. I hate it.



I think I figured out that feeling that has been haunting me though. That feeling that has me wanting to sleep all day, not do anything, not think. It's this. It's me not wanting to come to terms that this is happening. Everyday I think maybe this christmas will help, and it won't. For all I know there's already someone catching her eye, and she will never tell me. Whatever. This christmas will be for one thing, and one thing only: other people. I am going to devote myself just being a good person, being a good friend, a good brother, a good son. And then the other part will be about discovery. Now I am free. She doesn't want me. Now I can wander around the places where I used to feel such immense inspiration and belonging. I think I need that. Just to be reminded how I don't need to make any of these worries part of my life.

There is always the gray spot. The gray spot that says: Hello. And it all falls apart.
But Fuck it. That's what I have to do. To say. To exemplify. Fuck it.
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(no subject) [Dec. 15th, 2009|11:38 pm]
punkorama024
[music |Positive Tension]

I haven't been able to find that drive that I thought I had acquired. Although today was a good step in that direction.
I keep thinking about that one scene.
It's funny how all these thoughts boil to two simple sentences.
I just keep second guessing the past when the past is already there. But even the past is skewed. I know that. There always is and will always be bias. And there will always be people like me to analyze it.
They said I think of things in a way noone else does. hmmm...

Done.
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(no subject) [Dec. 15th, 2009|11:18 pm]
punkorama024
[music |Soft]

I used to see you every day
used to see you every day
I danced around your folk and soul
i danced to all your fucking soul
i left you with your nose a bleedin'
and your toes a creepin' around
ahhh so mundane and incomplete
hand my down my pants and get me off this street

I'm passed out in your garden
i'm in I can't get off so soft
I'd pop myself in your body
I'd come into your party, but i'm soft

Behind the fringe of a whiskey high
mutiliating cat like eyes
and in your nose blood decadence
you try to drag me into your bohemian dancing
you paint my fingers and you paint my toes
you let your perfect nipple show
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(no subject) [Dec. 14th, 2009|12:13 am]
punkorama024
The Bucket - Kings of Leon

I'll be the one to show you the way
You'll be the one to always complain
Three in the morning come-a bang bang bang
All out of fags and I just can't wait
Cancel the thing that I said I'd do
I don't feel comfortable talkin' to you
'Less you got the zipper fixed on my shoe
Then I'll be in the lobby drinking for two

Eighteen
Balding
Star

Golden
Falling
Hard*

Look at the shakies
What's with the blush?
Fresh off the plane in my fuzzy rush
Everyone's gathered to idolize me
I hate the way you talk your Japanese scream
It's been too long since I left the shed
You kick the bucket and I'll swing my legs
Always remember the pact that we made
Too young to die but old isn't great

Eighteen
Balding
Star

Golden
Falling
Hard*
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(no subject) [Dec. 14th, 2009|12:09 am]
punkorama024
[music |The Bucket - Kings of Leon]

The past couple of entries have been on paper. I haven't felt it right to put anything on this. But writing on paper has become somewhat taxing for some reason. Perhaps it's my form I need to work on. Thoughts roll on to thoughts and onwards before I can start to control them and the paper becomes full.
Anywho, all is good. The train ride from Philly was interesting. I felt like I was traveling as fast as my brain usually does. The music sounded slower. And then when I got into my bed today and listened to the same music, it sounded so slow and my head was moving too fast. This week should be nice. Lots of reading which is what I've wanted for long now.
Reviewing ethics lately has been a wonderful exercise. It's great to identify people who act by certain moral philosophies and then use that identification to study.
I've got the utilitarian, the Kantian (wow, VERY Kantian), the stoic, a justician, and the lovely relativists. It's been wonderful. Somehow though I'm not sure where I fall. I have to look a bit more.
Alex is a funny motherfucker. He sat over his beer yesterday, staring off into nothing and then suddenly turned to me and started talking about how socialism is ridiculous. The context was mint. I wonder how it is that things have finally turned around in one sector but gone to shit in another. whatever.
The break is rolling along but it's odd because I've given it no thought. At all. That's the only thing I could say about it all. Nothing.
What can I say about anything? Nothing.

It's scary that soon, this generation will be in charge of carrying on the human tradition. Not in a national sense, but in an international sense, in a global and humanistic sense. Will we be ready? What is culture to us? Sometimes I feel like it's going to be lost. Higher culture. Hope will always exsit because people love hope. People love that feeling even when it's pointless. I don't know. Here's a rant. I'm just not sure. Not sure if anyone is ready for anything. Even me...

Talkin like you walkin thru velvet snooooo-hooo...
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(no subject) [Nov. 10th, 2009|12:58 am]
punkorama024
[music |Stadium Arcadium: Red Hot Chili Peppers]

Liebt sie mich?
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(no subject) [Nov. 10th, 2009|12:41 am]
punkorama024
[music |New York City Cops: The Strokes]


So Lt Evans asked me to do this, in fact to keep two journals. One with typical thoughts about the day, the other with more intimate ideas. This may include anything from sexual, to deeply emotional, to thoughts of self-hurt or hurting others. So this one will be essentially a manifest of daily events, at least for now.

I'm not quite sure what is happening with Pollock. I never thought he hated me this much, but he seems to be very intent with fucking me over. Then there is the question of whether my chit will ever make it through to chief. I've decided at this point that if this adjudication is close to coming through, that I will request to leave this unit. It's the only possible remedy that would either remove me from this ambience, or that would scare them into leaving me alone. Tomorrow however will mostly depend upon chief. If he says that Pollock never spoke to him, then Pollock is fucked, and that would be awesome. I'm 99% sure that will be the result.

Other than that, nothing is going. Soccer went well. 3-1 win in the playoffs to the next round. Happy I've one less class. Thanksgiving is fucked and if they adjudicate me for this offense, I wont have Christmas break either. Fuck. Well I think I'll come out alright in the end.

Alex finally admitted to me that me leaving is for the best. I suggested it a week ago and he thought I was stupid for even thinking it, but finally he said it'd be a good idea, after all that has happened tonight.
There are many times when I'm happy I have Alex. He's not loud and intense like Torre, but then he doesn't have the same intellectuality that I'd expect. He makes up however by possesing a great use of common sense and willpower. I remember the weekend before my birthday, sitting in Creevy's van, over a bottle of Captain, him and I just talking about how much we dislike American youth and how we're the only ones that understand each other. It was just funny. Too many drunk words. It sucks only because there are parts I don't remember, but it all felt sincere. And it all felt so safe. I would never have thought then that I'd be in this mess. Everything except her felt secure. There was only one hole at that time. But now, there are way too many to count.

I wondered about ;lansdf;jbvboewibvas today. I was in ethics class and my mind went haywire, listening to people trying to reason things we shouldnt or cant. It was horrible so I started thinking about things I can't even recall, but it felt wonderful to lose cognitive thought for a few minutes.

 

I'm bored of this. The only thing that's keeping me going at this point is the idea of showing them that they're all wrong. Then I'll be truly happy.

Buddha makes a lot of sense. I like him. I'm going to keep reading Buddha.
Life is nothing but suffering, and if we accept this, then we can either successfully detach ourselves permanently from these things which make us suffer and live a life of singularity, or we can manage our suffering to continue pushing through. I like it. Sounds like the old me.

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(no subject) [Oct. 22nd, 2009|01:36 am]
punkorama024
It feels so cold. So please just don't lose control. I feel, like this time it's real.  I can't say that I know it all. But it's just too easy say I don't know it at all. Somehow I know you're not thinking about it at some point in the day. By the light, you don't. It's only when you lose control. I can't be okay with one day. I know you don't believe that. I know. But whatever. Just don't lose control.

End.
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